i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
