i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
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I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
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i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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