Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
