Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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