I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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