you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
