I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
