Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
