It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
NoShamevember. You game?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
