Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
