I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I CAN MOONWALK!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
