Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
