He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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