its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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