That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
