me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
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Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.