I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me