Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.