I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."