They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
