My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
