Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
