just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
