Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
