it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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