He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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