how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
