Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
