All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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