he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
