Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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