she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
