They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
