Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.