We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
