The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
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