Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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