I think im going to throw up on grandma
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
