I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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