I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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