Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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