he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
