The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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