We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
