Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
