is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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