In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
