Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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