Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
