I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
