R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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