last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
