I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
