Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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