wat bout pragnant strippers??
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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