Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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