I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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