just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
