THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
