it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
